Envelope.

Before we launch into this, I have to tell you that this story is 100% true. Normally, I fudge the details a little bit, to make the narrative flow or move a little more smoothly or make people sound smarter or dumber than they did, whenever the story took place, originally. This one, though, THIS story is as close to 100% accurate as I can be, three days after it was told to me.

This story doesn't work, unless you are forewarned that it is absolutely true.

Friday morning, 8:30AM, my cell phone rings, as I am just beginning the train ride into the office. I check the caller ID and see that it's a guy I know from work. But because I'm on a train and I don't want to be The Guy Who Annoys Other People With His Cell Phone Calls, I reject the call and put him through to voicemail. He's probably returning my call from the night before. No big deal.

When the phone IMMEDIATELY rings again and I see it's him, I understand instantly that it's important and that he knows that I'm screening my calls for some reason and he needs to speak to me. So, I answer the call.

"Where are you," he asks without any sort of greeting.

"I'm on the train, heading to work, why?" I ask.

"You got a few minutes to talk?"

"You've got me as a captive audience for another thirty minutes, before I'm downtown. What's up?"

"Okay, dude, I have to tell someone this. I want to get your opinion on this." and I know without asking that someone is dead or dying or has lost a limb or he's had his heart broken by another selfish girl and he's up at 8:30AM, thinking about it. Or maybe the office has burned down. It never occurs to me that it might be good news. Good news would've waited or gone into my voicemail. "I had something strange happen to me, last night and I want to tell you about it."

"Okay. Go ahead."

"Well, it started when we went out for drinks last night, after work. Just me and two or three of the guys from my basketball league. We'd had a long workday and wanted to unwind with a couple of beers."

"Uh huh."

"And we ended up staying there and watching the game on the TVs and lost track of time and ended up drinking way later than we thought we would've. Eventually it was time to close the bar."

"Okay."

"Well, it wasn't just me and the guys from work, but another buddy of mine, that I used to know from another bar, joined us and he had a buddy with him, too. I didn't know the buddy, but he was a pretty cool guy. And he bought a few pitchers and was pretty cool. I liked him."

"So, when the bar closed and the bartender was going to kick us out, it was the buddies buddy who suggests that we take a cab over to a 4AM bar that he knows about. He says that he's going to meet a few of his other buddies there. They're going to waiting for him."

"Now, I don't know this guy at all. I've never met him before tonight. But he seems to be a nice enough guy. And he bought me a few drinks and I don't want to go home yet. I want to stay out for a while. So, I agree to go."

"When we get to the second bar-"

"Which one?"

And he tells me the name of a 4AM bar that I've never heard of before.

"When we get there, there's a group of people waiting for this guy. And in the group are a couple of some pretty good looking girls. This guy introduces me around to the group and they're all super nice. I sit down and start drinking with them."

"A couple of rounds later and I'm drunk. I mean, I am Dru-uh-unk. And this guy, my new buddy, gets up to go mack on this girl at the bar, that he likes. As he gets up, an envelope falls out of his pocket. I say to him, 'Hey, man. You dropped this envelope out of your pocket.' and I reach down to get it for him."

'Hang onto it,' he says, 'I trust you. I'll be back for it in a bit.' and he walks over to the bar. I take the envelope and slip into my pocket and forget about it."

"At 4;30, they close down the bar and we all go our separate ways. I'm drunk, so I walk back to my car and they all pile into cabs to go onto where the party is next. They want me to go with them, but I'm done. So, I say 'Goodnight' to them and start walking home."

"I just leave my car where it is and walk home and pass out."

"When I got up this morning, I saw the envelope sticking out of my pocket and it takes me a while to remember what it is and where it came from. I went over to it to see if it has this guys name on it or his cell phone number on it. I don't have any way to contact him. The envelope is open, so I look inside and what do you think I found?"

"Cocaine" I guess.

"Nope."

"A human finger?"

"Nope."

"A mysterious key to some unknown lock."

"No. I find twenty five hundred dollars in it!"

"Wow." I am stunned. I have to imagine the number to see how much it is. More than $250, less than $250,000. When I see the figure $2,500, I respect it immediately. That's a sizable chunk of change. It represents a little over 2 months of my current, untaxed salary, if I had LITERALLY no expenses. Which I always seem to have. "That's a decent chunk of change." I say, helpfully.

"I know. I can't believe it. I'm looking at it right now. It's all hundreds and fifties."

I say "Well, what are you going to do with it?" at the same time that he says, "What do you think I should do with it?" We pause and he waits to let me speak. After a respectful silence, I say, "Well, as I see it, you have two options here. First, you can keep it and spend it and hope that you never run into him again. Or, the second option is that you can do everything in your power to find him and give it back to him. And if you don't find him, you should sit on it, without spending it, until you DO find him and can give it back to him."

"I think he's a drug dealer," my friend says.

"I think you're right." I say. "And if you don't find a way to get that back thim, pronto, he's going to come looking for you. And when he finds you, he'll break your knees for running off with his money."

There's a big pause, as my friend considers this.

"Of course, I didn't really know the guy, either. He was a buddy of a guy I hardly know. I don't know his name. I don't have his phone number and I'm pretty sure that he doesn't have mine. I could just disappear and this money disappears with me. "

And we both sit there quietly, thinking that through...

"Okay, here's what I would do. Take tonight off and hit BOTH of those bars. Spend an hour or so at each one. Don't drink. Sit where you guys sat at both of them. Take a book if you're nervous. Sit and wait and see if he shows up."
"If I lost $2,500, I'd take up residence at the place where I'd lost it and look for the guy that I didn't know. I'd also be very, very happy with that guy if he was there waiting for me, with my money. I'd probably NOT track him down and shoot him in the kneecaps. I'd buy him a pitcher of beer and maybe give him a $100 reward and call it squarseys. That's what I would do."

"Yeah, you're probably right." he said, defeated.

We ended the call shortly thereafter.

It was two days before I heard from him again. I was certain that he was just fine or dead and in either case there wasn't much I could do for him.

"So, how did it go with the envelope?" I asked him.

"Man, I sat in those two bars all night long, looking for that guy. He never showed up."

"So, now what are you going to do?"

"Deposit it in the bank and avoid those two bars."

And that's what he did.

True Story.

Cheers,
Mr.B